Nope. Being bored is completely normal!
There comes a point in any relationship where it slows down a little. But settling down does not mean you are settling! In fact, many experts say it’s a good thing. Sure, the passion and excitement may not be like the early days but remember those days were also filled with anxiety and uncertainty. The days when you were wondering if they would call or debating on when and what to text.
In a long term relationship, the whirlwind feelings of the honeymoon days are replaced by an awesome sense of security and trust.
The I can call you and have sex with you anytime I want to kind of security.
Well, maybe. Those of us married with kids know that sex is usually not anytime you want 😉
If you’re getting boring, that means you’re also not getting drunk, doing drugs or having crazy fights & makeup sessions all the time. You’re not having the crazy relationship highs but you’re also not having the crazy relationship lows which is a good thing!
Being with someone who is soft, kind and supportive is pretty stable; it’s not the roller-coaster ride and there’s no anxiety or butterflies of wondering what’s going to happen next. So don’t run away from a relationship because it feels a little boring. Change your mindset about relationships. Relationships are not like dating and life is not a ROM com (but I do love watching them!).
But how do you know the difference between settling and settling down?
I always say that you should be with someone who (a) you want to sex with and (b) you want to hang out with because you will be doing both of those things a lot and hopefully for a long time. Oftentimes you want to do one but not the other; you want to have sex but don’t really like hanging out or you love hanging out but there is zero attraction or passion. You need both!
A few other tips to know if you’re settling:
(1) You are compromising on your deeply held beliefs. Relationships involve A LOT of compromise but you should not have to compromise on your values, priorities, or goals. You have to agree on the big things – overall what kind of lifestyle you want, where you want to live, whether you want children, religion, [insert anything else that is super important to you].
(2) You’re in the relationship out of fear. If you really feel the need to be in a relationship, because you’re scared to be on your own, to start again, or you just feel like it’s the ‘right’ thing to do, you might end up in a relationship that isn’t good enough or the right fit for you.
(3) You’re accepting being treated poorly and YOU (not your family or friends) know you shouldn’t. Everyone is going to fight and we will hurt each other but if you have a consistent feeling of unhappiness you are settling.
(4) Trust your gut! This is something I learned a long time ago. It took me three years to find out my ex was cheating on me but if I had trusted my gut it would only have taken me three seconds (he was dancing with another girl when I first saw him and not in the we-just-met-kind-of-way but in the comfortable this-is-my-girl-kind-of-way). We have instincts about everything if we just listen to ourselves.
My only caveat to this is if you have trust issues and know you can be a bit crazy/irrational then you may need to question your gut a little and give the benefit of the doubt. For a raw and real “how-to” on this check out Got Cheated On? A Girl’s Guide For How To Trust Again In Your Next Relationship.
(5) If in your mind, breaking up is never really an option that is a really good sign. As mad as I have gotten and as many times as I’ve thought, “I can’t do this anymore” (Read more about that in my personal story, Thinking About Divorce?) I have also never been able to picture my life without him so I believe in the “I can’t imagine not being with you kind of love.”